Peoples Republic of South Devon

Febrile Fitz # 1

We’re a bit fed up with those Trago Mills/UKIP thingies now, and have decided there’s much richer comedy pickings in the Evening Herald’s weekly column by David Fitzgerald.

“Who’s he?” we hear you froth.

Well, described simply as a ‘broadcaster’ at the top of his column, many citizens in the People’s Republic are probably more likely to remember him for appearing on TSW with his hand up a stuffed rabbit.

A soi-disant ‘man of the people’, Fitz makes a great show of ‘telling it like it is’, and ‘insulting as many people as possible’, with regular appearances by Ratboy (his son) and The Enemy (his wife).

Like the Trago ads, there’s plenty of gold in thar hills, but who wants to wade through Fitz’s stream of consciousness prose to find the good stuff within? Answer: Absolutely nobody.

So that’s why we’re gonna do the hard work for you, in the first of an occasional series entitled, rather excitingly, Febrile Fitz.

This week’s column is a good column for fans of misogyny, racism and surrealism. Here goes:

FEBRILE FITZ # 1

ONE BUNNYHOP: “Who was that bloke who won the ladies’ Wimbledon final? Had a jaw like a digger bucket on a JCB!”
TWO BUNNYHOPS: “I noticed that Italy lost the press battle to Zidane after planting one on Materazzi. They only seemed to be together for a few moments before the scuffle. What insults can you get out about the French in such a short space of time? I’d need at least half an hour, a wall planner and a Powerpoint presentation.”
THREE BUNNYHOPS: “Have you tried to lift liquid bread?”

Oh, Fitz, you are a one. We could go on but three bunnyhops seems like a nice round number, doesn’t it?
Bye children.

Posted by Thin White Duke

July 18th, 2006

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Bully beef

Here’s a story which shouldn’t be surprising but kind of is.

The League Against Cruel Sports has recently revealed how cities and towns throughout Britain are indirectly supporting bullfighting.

Plymouth, we’re ashamed to note, is one of the guilty areas on the list, along with the likes of Dunfermline, Manchester, Peterborough, Stafford and Stockport.

All of these glamorous places are twinned with communities in Spain, France and Portugal which actively support and subsidise the rather unsavoury ’sport’.    

The league has written to the relevent councils to alert them to this connection, but is also encouraging citizens of the People’s Republic to use their ‘Euro Power!’ and choose holiday destinations that have turned their backs on bullfighting - y’know, like the or something.

You can learn how to use your ‘Euro Power!’ and find a list of the locations still supporting bullfighting on www.bullfightingfree.org.
And, hey - if we work together, one day, the only red rags matadors will be waving will be PRSD t-shirts while helping old peasant ladies across the road.

Posted by Thin White Duke

July 18th, 2006

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Dead green

There are some out there in the People’s Republic who have dreamed of being cremated with the tune Love Shack by the B52s blaring as the doors to the incinerator opened and the coffin moved off to become ash.

Not anymore tho!

Those kooks up at Cockington (the Torbay Coast and Countryside Trust to you and me) have turned interment into a fun family pastime, and made it green to boot.

Cockington Woodland Burials, in 18 acres of the Conquerer Wood, just past Gallows Gate (oh per-lease!) has fantastic views, space for 500 burial sites and is a perfect natural habitat for all kinds of things, including the cirl bunting.

What’s more, because you don’t need an undertaker, the whole family can join in the fun of digging the grave (haven’t they been doing that for years?) A tree is planted with each new arrival and cardboard, bags or shrouds can be used.

This seems like an eminently sensible and thoughtful idea - a real lasting legacy, as well as something you’d just want to do. There’s an open day this Wednesday (July 19) from 10.30am to 1.30pm. If you would like more information about the open day or the site, contact Kate Foster at the Trust on 01803 606035.

Posted by Cptn

July 17th, 2006

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Slow Mo…

Any organisation that has homegenization and gastronomic in its raison d’etre and finishes with the word ‘extinction‘ has me reaching for the 22-year-old tawny port. That apart, the Slow Food Movement has some good ideas and is gaining headway (albeit at a snail’s pace, snarf) in the world.

Slow Food, you ask, what’s that? The opposite of brain food, you dim-witted buffoon! (Geddit?) In a nutshell, it’s kinda for propa food (notice how I sound like Jamie Oliver?) and sitting down to a meal and all that and against those fast food things and standardised taste.

So what’s turned the people’s republic’s Mordor-like gaze on the slow food people? Two reasons really. The new Slow Food market down at Exeter Quay on every third Saturday in the month (count them up and mark them in your diary, you’ll be sorry!). The next one is on July 15, then August 19, September 16, October 21.

And the second reason, well, Shute Farm, Kingsteignton, those of the great elderflower cordial recipe (since tasting it I have afternoon tea with cucumber sandwiches and butter on my cuffs from the hot muffins Algernon), has been invited to the Turin get together - just one of the five UK firms.

Slowly, tell everyone.

Posted by Cptn

July 14th, 2006

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‘Allo ‘Allo # 1

Unfortunately, due to this week’s unspeakably dull Trago Mills/UKIP column (try this for size: “As the years passed others came along, Petition of Rights 1628, the Bill of Rights and Coronation Oath, both 1689, and others like the Act of Union, 1707…”) Mill Communication has been postponed. Aww.
In its place we’re showing a classic episode of ’Allo ’Allo.

’ALLO ’ALLO # 1

~ Do-do-do-dooo, do-do-do-doooo, da-doo-doo da-doooo… ~
“Good moaning, Rene. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum.”
“Oh, piss off.”

See you next week bargain hunters. And remember, you can’t beat a bit of bully.

Posted by Thin White Duke

July 14th, 2006

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You beauty!

Still smarting about England being unceremoniously booted out of the World Cup?

If so, here’s some news to cheer you up. Becky Falls has been voted the number one beauty spot in Devon. Yessss!

The woodland park near Newton Abbot topped a recent poll by ING Direct, with Lydford Gorge and Croyde Bay snapping at its proverbial heels.

Perhaps inspired by all this Devonian loveliness, the ING Direct bigwigs have also launched a new community competition.

They’re waving about a fistful of fivers (ie. £10,000) to help create or restore a local sanctuary near you. Yes, you.

Gardens, parks, wastelands or fading community gems will all be in the ‘running’.

To nominate a local hellhole, visit events.ingdirect.co.uk, click on the gardens tab at the top of the page, and describe why your particular choice is quite so gopping. Capiche?

And don’t go nominating a makeover for Wayne Rooney’s ghastly mug. We’ve already suggested it.

Posted by Thin White Duke

July 13th, 2006

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Eating out

Food, fun and sun - what more do you need for the al fresco experience of communal eating outside the old-fashioned way, sans chargrilling? Yesterday people with learning disabilities and older folk were invited to take part in a picnic as part of an art piece organised by the Phoenix Arts Centre at The Bishops Palace Gardens, Exeter. (More on picnics later in the week.)
Members of the Contact Club in Palace Gate enjoyed picnic food and were supplied with cameras to record the event. Mortonhampstead artist Carol Harvey and Caroline Mawdsley were looking for green areas in Devon to hold picnics, culminating in a big public picnic on Haldon August 13. The idea is that picnics cross cultures and bring communities together.

Member Alic Galloway 68, and registered blind said: ‘I think the Express and Echo should be here and the TV. The hooligans make the headlines but this should be headlines. It’s fantastic. I doubt this would make news though.’

News it is indeed young Alic, and citizens, you can read all about here - on the People’s Republic of South Devon.

Posted by Wren

July 12th, 2006

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Tango’d

Coombeshead College in Newton Abbot has banned female students aged 9-13 from wearing makeup, says an article in this week’s Mid-Devon Advertiser.

Apparently the girls were being likened to Oompa-Loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and the principal said the taunting had to stop.

Leaving aside that

1) Presumably this means that all boys and older girls are still free to dress up as Oompa-Loompas for school, and

2) Maybe a 9-year-old at secondary school needs some body paint to cover to distract from her youth and genius, and

3) Make-up for school is fine (which was different in my day, said with a Daily Mail scowl) as long as it’s the right sort of make-up and complies with the tribal colours (Oompa-Loompas and L’Oreal listen up).

the real question is:

Why are the bullied being punished, and not the bullies?

An early lesson in life.
Posted by Edgy

July 11th, 2006

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Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Today is the first day of the Exeter Festival of the Everyday. The festival, which will be going on all week (but why stop there if you’re on a roll), will cover such topics as Feet and Shoes (today), Waiting (Wednesday), my personal favourite Reflections in Windows and Glints in Eyes (on Thursday), and Crowd Scenes (Saturday). I’m not even going to mention the one that gives me the willies (Beaks and Paws, Tuesday).

More than 100,000 people will take part and no expense has been spared in bringing you a complete replica of a historic south west city in which to stage such an event, so go along and enjoy. Or stage your own mini-event at home, I’m sure the organisers wouldn’t mind. After all, these are the people who gave us a Misguide to Exeter and may well be contributing to a treasure hunt on the site.

Of course we at the PRSD would like to offer you the opportunity to buy the book An Exeter Mis-Guide through our website. But citizens do not worry, you can pick it up at all reputable places where it is available. And to help us lot out you can always contribute, or buy a t-shirt. Either way, step out into your town, wherever you are and enjoy the festival.

Posted by Cptn

July 10th, 2006

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Yellow bellied

July 9th, 2006

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